I've trained myself to be a strong woman. I've felt that I've been punched by life countless times and I have been able to rise again, without flinching. I've gone through financial strain, emotional stress, lack of family support, imposter syndrome, inadequacy/self esteem issues and more, accompanied sometimes with a smile.... or let's be real...it's more often with my 'resting bitch face'.
Lately, however, my willingness to spring forward from difficulty has been wavering. The knockout punch that started this 'slothery' came in the form of the loss of a friend. At risk of sounding like a complete softy, considering the tough persona I don for the world, that loss was one of my worst experiences in life. Had it been by the hand of death, I think it would have been possibly easier to bear.
This blow was actually my second loss of an important friendship, you'd think I would know how to deal with it by now! I mean, it's been years since that first loss, but whomever said 'time heals' was a damn liar! I still have not recovered from that first one. Sometimes, I cry about it. Yes, even after 8 years. She was my best friend, the one I expected to be in my corner no matter what.
How do you really recover from the loss of a close friend?
It's especially difficult because you feel like they departed (hey Leftovers series fans lol) and you're left behind to be reminded of their existence in every area of your life. You know, that one insider joke that absolutely no one else got but the both of you or that one item that you have that will always serve as a constant reminder of the bond you shared. It's difficult, really.
It gets even harder when you're the one who misses the friendship more, at least that's how it seems. It's almost as if they wanted to get rid of you for so long and you finally got the picture. "Was I oblivious to the reality of the situation?" you ask yourself. But who will respond? Nobody, because your sounding board is gone. Figure it out on your own sister.
The second loss, a completely different kind of friendship from the first, but probably more important, erupted way more abruptly. That final conversation was maybe 10 minutes long, but gosh it felt like an hour-long affair. Lord knows, it couldn't have come at a worst time in my life. Everything that could go wrong, all went wrong at one time and here she was, adding to the mess.
I suppose it calls for introspection.
Is something wrong with me? Am I not friendship material. I pride myself in being very honest. I know that honesty can be taken in a negative way, I'm fiery and aggressive in ways, who knows...it could be a myriad of things, but according to the people who still deem me worthy of their friendship (kisses for the fiance & CL), I'm 'A OK'. It's still difficult to feel like you've cast off the island with that significant friend. What disturbs me mostly was how blind I was to everything. Why didn't I see that she didn't see me as her reaaallly good friend?
A Facebook friend shared something along the lines of not having anyone in the world who openly speaks about the difficulty of friendship breakups. It's so true. Nobody, not even the first loss, prepared me for the heartache that followed that short conversation. Maybe it was from the tornado that was already brewing in my life, but that breakup took a toll on me. I don't think I can accurately describe how that felt.
Days, weeks, heck, years go by and no matter how terrible I thought the situation was, or how badly I thought my friends treated me, I still want them around. Is it just the idea of those friends though? Do I miss both of them like I say I do? I'm not quite sure. In the meantime, I guess putting up with posts about them from other friends is what I'll have to do....(or maybe I'll delete those friends too ha ha!), and I'll just move on because it makes no sense to long for what was never and will never be true.
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