Friendship: The Death

2015...It's not even complete but I'm already over it and the trouble it brought me. The good things were great, but my oh my, the bad certainly outweighed it.

I've trained myself to be a strong woman. I've felt that I've been punched by life countless times and I have been able to rise again, without flinching. I've gone through financial strain, emotional stress, lack of family support, imposter syndrome, inadequacy/self esteem issues and more, accompanied sometimes with a smile.... or let's be real...it's more often with my 'resting bitch face'.

Lately, however, my willingness to spring forward from difficulty has been wavering. The knockout punch that started this 'slothery' came in the form of the loss of a friend. At risk of sounding like a complete softy, considering the tough persona I don for the world, that loss was one of my worst experiences in life. Had it been by the hand of death, I think it would have been possibly easier to bear.

This blow was actually my second loss of an important friendship, you'd think I would know how to deal with it by now! I mean, it's been years since that first loss, but whomever said 'time heals' was a damn liar! I still have not recovered from that first one. Sometimes, I cry about it. Yes, even after 8 years. She was my best friend, the one I expected to be in my corner no matter what.

How do you really recover from the loss of a close friend? 

It's especially difficult because you feel like they departed (hey Leftovers series fans lol) and you're left behind to be reminded of their existence in every area of your life. You know, that one insider joke that absolutely no one else got but the both of you or that one item that you have that will always serve as a constant reminder of the bond you shared. It's difficult, really.

It gets even harder when you're the one who misses the friendship more, at least that's how it seems. It's almost as if they wanted to get rid of you for so long and you finally got the picture. "Was I oblivious to the reality of the situation?" you ask yourself. But who will respond? Nobody, because your sounding board is gone. Figure it out on your own sister.

The second loss, a completely different kind of friendship from the first, but probably more important, erupted way more abruptly. That final conversation was maybe 10 minutes long, but gosh it felt like an hour-long affair. Lord knows, it couldn't have come at a worst time in my life. Everything that could go wrong, all went wrong at one time and here she was, adding to the mess.

I suppose it calls for introspection.

Is something wrong with me? Am I not friendship material. I pride myself in being very honest. I know that honesty can be taken in a negative way, I'm fiery and aggressive in ways, who knows...it could be a myriad of things, but according to the people who still deem me worthy of their friendship (kisses for  the fiance & CL), I'm 'A OK'.  It's still difficult to feel like you've cast off the island with that significant friend. What disturbs me mostly was how blind I was to everything.  Why didn't I see that she didn't see me as her reaaallly good friend?

A Facebook friend shared something along the lines of not having anyone in the world who openly speaks about the difficulty of friendship breakups. It's so true. Nobody, not even the first loss, prepared me for the heartache that followed that short conversation. Maybe it was from the tornado that was already brewing in my life, but that breakup took a toll on me. I don't think I can accurately describe how that felt.

Days, weeks, heck, years go by and no matter how terrible I thought the situation was, or how badly I thought my friends treated me, I still want them around. Is it just the idea of those friends though? Do I miss both of them like I say I do? I'm not quite sure. In the meantime, I guess putting up with posts about them from other friends is what I'll have to do....(or maybe I'll delete those friends too ha ha!), and I'll just move on because it makes no sense to long for what was never and will never be true.

Radial Review: The App for Soca Junkies Worldwide

With thousands of mobile apps buzzing about, Radial (@radialtt) is offering the Caribbean massive a way to tune out the noise and focus on the original music near and dear to the melting pot we call home. 

Radial - Redefine Radio is a music app available on Google Play from Yabil Ltd. that allows users to exclusively stream authentic Caribbean music. The genres included are Soca, Chutney, Calypso, Reggae, Hip Hop, Alternative, Dancehall, Funk, Dance, Parang, Soul and more. This is surely enough to keep me going until the next Carnival season. With only 1.5MB being used from the phone, this app has already pocketed a star in my book.

The app also has 660 Soca songs available for now (I expect more will be added soon), and also exposed me to new genres that I had no idea Trinis delved into. Trini hip hop, who knew?

Key Features according to the developers:

✓Feed: Scroll through a gorgeous display of suggested music catered to you and listen instantly with one simple click
✓Search: Whether you search by title, artiste, riddim, or album, the Radial search engine will find it.
✓Explore: Discover music based on genre and/or any of our curated categories
✓Queue: See upcoming music that suits your musical taste and make your own additions at any time
✓Add to Queue: See a song that you want to hear later, hit the 'Plus' button and send it to your Queue
✓Comment: Leave a piece of yourself on any track
✓Like: Give any song your own endorsement and help Radial better learn your musical tastes
✓Lockscreen playback: Be in control of your music whether you are in Radial or elsewhere
✓Follow: Find your friends, add a stranger, or locate authorities in music and see what they are listening to

My take

How to use it:

New users, after downloading the app, will be presented with a sign up page after choosing to register.

After signing up, your new world of Caribbean music is at your fingertips. Users are able and encouraged to make use of the comment section, as seen below. 

Pros:

• The app continues to play the song when you exit the app, which is always good.
• Songs are in continuous rotation (no need to manually select a song every time)
• Sound quality is great out loud and with headphones. (I'm using the app on the Samsung S3)
• The user interface is inviting. It's easy to use and the colours are attractive.
• Radial learns what you like based on the songs you rate highly.

Cons:

• Skip buttons aren't available yet. (They are in the works)
• More songs are needed, after all one can't fight the haunted feeling without plenty songs.
• Shuffle option not available yet.
• Some songs I searched for weren't available yet (I didn't see Benup- Porgie and Murda, but I suppose it's because that song is from Barbados)

Conclusion:

Overall I like the app a lot. It's easy to use, the user interface is fantastic, and its great to have playing while I work on other things. I've also heard that the developers plan to get more involved in the music scene of other islands to incorporate their music. So I'm definitely looking forward to the improvements in the near future.

Three Signs It's Time To Quit That Job

I am extremely cautious about the image I portray on social media, so as to not make myself less employable I'll be vague and quick with this one.

It is the hope of many that a new job will be great. We all hope that it will fulfill our desires as much as we will be beneficial to the company, often this isn't the case. Here are a few things that would lead me to move on to another venture.

1. You dread going there.

If I wake up every weekday biting my nails, saying about 500 prayers while getting ready and having anxiety attacks all before I even get to the office, it's definitely time to scoot on out of there. Hostile environments just don't work well for me. I would hate having to go somewhere that I thought my mental stability was in jeopardy, somewhere that I wondered all day if this was the minute something really bad was about to happen or someplace that wasn't equally as beneficial to my career growth.

Personally, as a writer, all of these things can limit my ability to perform well in my position. If my head is completely filled with the fears of the day, then I won't be able to focus on giving amazing content.  I think, as a writer, it's great to have fantastic grammar, sensitivity to tone, a really thick skin, but most importantly I need to protect my creative space.

Why spend that much time hating the environment and living in fear?



2. You're being stifled.

If upward mobility isn't a part of the conversation, then it's definitely time to start that search for a new job. Yes the job market is insane right now and Jamaica isn't getting any easier to survive in, but does that mean that you should stay in that position for the next 10 years because it's just getting you through the month? Bear in mind that the company really has no loyalty to you, they will only like an employee for as long as it's beneficial to THEM, not you. In your own field, you can see where you are being stifled versus where you're able to thrive. Examine it closely, and look out for you, who else is going to do it?


3. Your body is telling you to go.

If your job is so stressful that you get physically sick, you shouldn't even have to read my little list. Having my face erupt in pubescent pimples and my body packing on the pounds due to the cortisol spike is not the business.  There is a claim, that I believe to be true, that says that negativity can manifest as a physical response. Some people get the flu quite often, some have bowel issues and others develop different muscle aches and pains.



I think these are all valid reasons to look for new opportunities elsewhere that uplift rather than pummel you to the ground.


Final thought:

These things may drive you over the edge, but before quitting, remember to do a proper evaluation of your stance. If it's a new job, use the first three months or the probationary period to really figure out if it's right for you, make sure you're not being naive, spoilt or a complete Debbie Downer.

"For Women Who Are Difficult To Love"

Warsan Shire - "For Women Who Are Difficult To Love" from MovingOn & StereoOpticon on Vimeo.


This beautiful piece of art, written by Warsan Shire, speaks to me. She so eloquently expresses how it is to be in this type of relationship. Even though this particular piece isn't completely relevant to my experience, I think we can imagine that the relationship she speaks of can be tailored to suit whomever the "man" may represent in our own lives.

"you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial"

See, I think every woman can relate to this, not because women are hard to love, but because we crave love so much and we want to love, sometimes to our own detriment. But that is the gift and the curse we are made with, I suppose. Another chunk that I liked was -

"you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love."


I looked up this young poet after reading an excerpt of her work on a friend's Instagram page and immediately I was hooked. Her body of work is amazing and I hope to get my hands on her book soon.

I hope that anybody who reads this and takes a look at the video also enjoys it.

Soul Soothing Music

I've been having a rocky few days, between parental scrimmages, self criticisms and a stagnant life in general (jobs, moving out etc.). So to survive my funk I've discovered and been replaying non-stop some really great songs. I have, I'm sure like most people, a certain list of artists that I call on for different moods. For my borderline depression I choose to soothe myself with the likes of Florence and the Machine, Frou Frou, Christina Perry (on occasion), Corrine Bailey Ray, Lykke Li and I'll mix in some Lana del Rey.

Recently, however, my go to artists have somewhat changed. I still listen to the aforementioned, but I now know about a few more. Bear in mind I'm really late with some of these, they've been out for some time.

Here are a few of the 'new' songs I like.

1. It's My Heart, Cookie- He Needs Me

This song helped me through a weird break up. I feel like the song described our relationship, at the time, really well. Now I just like it because it's a great song.

2. Daughter - Medicine

I first heard this song on So You Think You Can Dance. The dancers did a really great job with it and I felt the song through their performance, I just knew I had to find it.

3. Janine and the Mixtape - Hold Me

I'll admit I sort of liked it at first, then hearing the complete song turned me off, but now I'm loving it. I'm not entirely sure why.

Here are a few Sia songs because I can't get enough of her.

4. Sia- Cellophane

5. Sia- Big Girls Cry

6. Sia- Lullaby

7. Sia- Breathe Me

August Favourites

august faves by alysonrobinson featuring a sleeve skater dress

I'm not really that much of a shopper, but if I find truly great products then I'll definitely get them. August proved to be the month for rediscovering things I liked a few months ago. Let's dig in:

1. This isn't the correct brush but the image just had to do. The brush I'm raving about is the Sirius Sonic Microdermabrasion brush. I did my research before purchasing it and it was ranked as one of the best brushes to go head to head with the Clarisonic line. The system uses a brush meant for sensitive skin and also comes with two hydration applicators, a toning applicator and a more exfoliating brush. I don't really use anything else but the sensitive brush and the exfoliating brush. I really believe its worth the $30 price, especially compared to the steep price of the Clarisonic. My skin has improved so much with it.

2. I recently got a simple tote handbag from my mother, and honestly when she described it over the phone I hated it. Then I saw it and I fell in love with it instantly. It looks similar to the one pictured. I literally take it everywhere now, unless I take my cross-body bag (only for its convenient size). 

3. I got this skater dress from Forever21 and got it shipped through ShipMe. I really only bought it because I knew I could style it really casual and also dress it up, plus it was cheap. I ended up wearing it to a friend's wedding and it didn't disappoint. 

4. Elf Cosmetics' High definition powder took some getting used to. When I first tried it a year ago, it seemed way too white for me. But it turned out I was just being super heavy handed. Trust me, a little goes a long way, and it keeps your face matte for hours. I got this one at Terry's Cosmetics.

5. This Silver glittery purse was also a purchase my mother my mother made. Its glittery but not loud and it suits the look of my new bag. The only thing I may want to change about it is its lack of extra card space or a clear slot for my license. Other than that it's great.

Thats it for August. I hope to continue my positivity streak and attract more wonderful things into my life everyday.

Blessings to you all.

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