#139 Days of Positivity

It's the last day of August and I must say this is the first time in months that I've been happy. I'm not happy because my circumstances have drastically changed, but because I've finally understood what it means to DECIDE to be happy.

I have decided to just be positive, no matter how much negativity likes to scream in my face. I try to see joy in every situation.

 Three things I do to keep positive:

I visit my favorite place

Pictured: Frenchman's Cove

I love the beach, so living close to one is such a plus. I go there as often as I can to get away from everybody, if even for a moment.

I pray

No matter how "controversial" the simple act of speaking to God is, I still find it to be important. I feel great when I feed my spiritual life. Praying helps me to control my reactions, it helps me to definitively choose to embrace life and most importantly it provides a medium for me to be grateful for everything and to show that appreciation continuously.

I Write

(Journal from Peter Pauper Press)

I write almost everything important to me in this journal, that is, when I'm not investing long hours on my old faithful Macbook. I find that I express myself aptly in print rather than verbally. 

There are other things that I do of course, but these are the main ones. All in all, I'm happy and loving it. I welcome all other suggestions for happiness and positivity. 

Getting Uncomfortable

 I was watching the new episode of HBO's "Girls" and it got me thinking. I really love this show, it's light enough to consider almost frivolous but somehow adequately describes how I feel as a 23 year old. The lives of these girls are somewhat synonymous to my life and my interactions with friends. I'm yet to move out of my parents house but, like Marnie I too face the "new grad" monster of not finding a job in your intended field and I stepped away from a relationship with someone I thought wasn't progressing enough (it would suck for me if he turned out to own his own company a year from now lol). I identify with the perfectionist and newly sexual traits of Shosh, and the insecurities of Hannah.

Lena Dunham

But let's take a good look behind the scenes. While Lena Dunham, the director and main actor, is portraying this quirky girl and telling us about her tribulations, Lena herself, isn't doing too bad.

She's only 27!

Lena has a show on HBO and she's a bloody filmmaker! Makes me wonder, why am I not great yet? I wish I could figure this out. What am I not doing, not focusing on or completely overlooking?

I decided this year the year of less complaints and more solutions, so I won't dwell on how mediocre I feel, and I guess I'll try to change that feeling by doing something progressive and positive.

(Clearly I like to give myself pep talks lol)

So, I'm going to challenge myself to put ME out there and take some professional risks. I'm sure Lena did because I know I'd be super nervous to pitch a show to HBO. So, every week I will do something out of the box, I will make an effort to do something great.

I'm going to do something that might completely alter any random reader's perception of me and quote someone on "Keeping up with the Kardashians."

The the ability to grow is directly related to the amount of insecurity you can take in life. Step out and do things you're not secure with - Bruce Jenner 
Best thing he ever said!

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Habakkuk 2:2-3 ESV 

And the Lord answered me: “Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it. For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.

Things I Learned From 2013

 I could just say flat out "2013 was one of the worst years of my life thus far," I think that would sum it up, but the explainer that I am feels the need to entertain mainly myself and whoever else ventures here (because none of my people even know I blog). So here we go:

1. Appreciate free time/be ok with losing control

2013 was the year that I truly understood the essence of being a bum. I wasn't entirely so, I mean I did technically have about three different jobs for the latter part of the year, but I'm so used to being in demand and knowing what I was doing. This year felt so out of my control. I didn't know why I wasn't being allowed to be as proactive as I wanted. I just couldn't fathom why someone with my level of smartness, both book and otherwise, didn't have a a steady source of income or purpose for living.

2. Be a more discerning person

I have never had so many people take advantage of me as much as in the past year. I've been swindled out of money by employers and family, and been given so much false information, it's ludicrous really.   I've decided, however, it's best to learn this now at 23, than be bitter later on in life.

3. Know that I deserve more

I ended a long relationship in 2013 because it wasn't good for me. No need to sit and accept bad things from another person. If it isn't working out, you let it go. Also, going into the future, I'm going to start demanding more, I'm pretty amazing and I shouldn't allow certain things to happen to me.

4. God may not always give me what I want

I needed to relearn this, I guess. I sometimes question what God is doing, because I feel like I've learned this already. I've had many a disappointments in my time and at times I just want to ask God "What's the deal?" I mean, I get it, you go through bad to appreciate the good, but does the bad have to be that frequent? I guess I have more to learn here.

5. Failure is just a part of life

I failed at my weight loss goals, I failed my driver's test (this one wasn't my fault, but I digress), I failed at attaining a secure job, and I could go on some more, but that might make me forget the lesson and be mad all over again. I mean I haven't had this much failure all at once as far as I can remember, but they say success is a part of life too, right?

6. Don't forget the naysayers

I was going to say 'haters' instead, but that word has been too saturated into our society. Those kinds of people, however, serve two purposes. I believe I learned how to tune out the wrong reason. Their two purposes are 1) to provide a crowd for you to say "Suck It" to when you achieve what they said you couldn't and 2) to make you feel so terrible about yourself so you stop pushing toward the direction of your goal. Choose the purpose you prefer. I personally like proving people wrong, love it, even!


I learned quite a lot but I also came into 2014 with other questions, like "is honesty really the best policy?", "should I do a big chop?", "Will I ever get my driver's license?", "should I pledge my allegiance to pescatarianism or should I continue eating meat?", you know big life questions here lol.

I'll leave that for 2014 to respond

In Love Or Deep Like?

Sometimes I wonder if I really loved the people I claimed to while I was in a relationship with them. I'd like to think I did, albeit I only said this to possibly two persons. I'm not the type to throw that word around loosely.

So the appropriate questions here are, first, are any of the two qualified to be called real love? and second, can real love phase out? Also, if it phases out, (the romance part, that is) was it not the real deal?

Is age a factor too? The first person I said I loved was from way back in my younger years, and I think I meant it, because I still love him to this day. We tell each other all the time that we love each other. It isn't even the romantic sort of love anymore though, its just that we genuinely care about each other.

The second one is still recent, and yea I love him but he's not good for me. No need to rehash that.

The point is though, am I supposed to keep loving someone the same way forever after we fall in love? After all isn't that the concept of marriage? I'd like to get married one day. What if something happens and my feelings change, not that I wouldn't love my husband still, but what if things changed? Is it that people, or better yet, did marriage veterans just make up their mind to fall in love over and over again?

I guess all I can do is hope that my husband will adore me for a lifetime and I the same to him.

Ready

So now that I've settled on a goal for the next five years...finally, I think I should stick to it. I am going to go back home to Jamaica, do something in my field and start a scholarship fund or a foundation/charity. This is what I want right now.

I'm not entirely sure how to go about this exactly but I will get it done.

Step one is the easiest part but it is still difficult--> get a job in Jamaica. Considering the cry of a lot of recent graduates about the dim reality of the job scene, it is obvious why I'm a tad bit nervous about taking on this feat. I won't discuss step 2 until the previous is accomplished.

I'm willing to do what it takes to get what I want.

It's My Life...I Think

So I've decided that I'm going to do what I want and not what society, or the viewing public on my social media accounts, think I should do.

I'm in a place where I'm still not sure what to do...yes, three months after I wrote that first blog post, I'm still clueless. Being basically jobless has led me to the first obvious question after gaining a bachelors degree, "What about graduate school?"

My response to that is that I don't think I really want to do that right now. Is that so terrible? I want to be innovative, I want to start something epic, I want a business, a non-profit maybe, or a charity foundation, something. All I know is I want to leave a legacy, and sitting behind a desk all day building someone else's business isn't what I want to do.

I also need to realize that being 23 isn't so bad, I'm not that old. Then I remember, my 24th birthday is in the next 3 months...great! I guess I've always had it in mind that I wanted to do something great at around 21 years old, but that clearly isn't happening...better yet hasn't happened.

Ignoring that notion of 21 year old success, I took my head out of sand and took a look around. People my age are also complaining about their lives too. They feel stuck, they don't know what their next move should be, just like me. It's still a bit disconcerting, this life we're struggling in shows no mercy.

However, the real deal here is that, we youngin'z need these conventional behind-the-desk jobs because we fein over Steve Madden/Tory Burch Shoes, white bedrooms like on Pinterest that have a spread of bath and bodyworks candles permeating the air, and the idea of driving nice cars. I'm not saying these things aren't great, because man, I want to raid Urban Outfitters, but what about genuine happiness? Why do I have to choose between nice things that offer instant gratification and having a great life and an unconventional career?

Figuring out these things would be great.

Feeling stagnant...

Everyday becomes harder and harder it seems. Who knew doing absolutely nothing would be so difficult. It has been about three months since I graduated from college, and I think I'm losing my zeal for life.  What really can you do after being flung into the real world with little to no resources. There's always that thought that maybe I didn't lay enough of a foundation while I was in college to support me after graduation, but there's no use in that. That time has already passed.

There's just something about leaving a place where I felt on top of everything, my grades were stellar, I guess I would label myself a really great student, to only end up here staring at my bedroom walls all day. I wonder am I not proactive enough? Am I not dedicated enough?

So I guess it has come to this, blogging is now my comfort because I'm not entirely sure my friends are even interested in hearing how I truly feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm burdening them with my problems because they have their own situations to deal with. However, it seems that I'm the person they seek to unload their struggles on. I honestly have no issue with it because I like helping them, it isn't cool watching your friends go through certain things, so if I can offer any comfort or optimism then great! But the the question that must be answered, for it stares me in the face, "what about me?" Do I not need somebody to listen to me?

Ah well....